Am I Selfish? Yes. Am I Happy? Yes.

A brave woman shares her story about having an abortion. One in three women will have an abortion within their lifetime.

Am I selfish? Yes. Am I happy? Yes.

In August of 2007, I was hit with the biggest surprise of my life. I was pregnant.

I had always been “somewhat” safe in my sexual escapades—or at least thought I had been. By the eighth month of that year, I had only slept with one person—the person I truly, at the time, thought I would marry. I was very much in love, and I will never deny that fact.

However, he didn’t feel the same. A week after he proclaimed he “couldn’t deny the fact that he didn’t feel the same way about me,” I couldn’t deny the strange feeling in my lower abdomen. While I tend to have rough periods anyway, I was still a week away from my scheduled start date and could tell something was different.

Pushing it aside, I continued with my daily tasks. After graduating over a year prior to then, I had finally landed a job as a reporter at a small weekly publication. Beyond having a broken heart, what I did have was a wonderful group of friends, a great job, I was playing music in a great band and I finally had a dog—something I had waited years to get after leaving mine at home with my parents.

I was pretty devastated about losing him, but I had a lot to live for, and I knew it. However, when the following week came and went without notice of my monthly visitor, I knew what I had to do. And trust me…even though I somehow knew what was happening, I continued to deny that this could ever happen to me.

You know that scene in the movie Juno where she shakes the pregnancy test??? Yep. That’s exactly what I did, and this was pre-Juno. I actually took two. I took one at home. It came out positive. Then, in a somewhat crazed moment, I decided I would drive home to my mother’s three hours north to take another one. Maybe it was something in the water where I was?

Both were Positive.

I had too much pride to call him and tell him. What a good one, I could only imagine his thought of “she’s doing this to get me back,” when obviously was not the case at all. Not even close.

With my test still in hand, I made the call. Not to him. To the abortion provider.

“How far along are you?”

“I think about four weeks.”

“Okay. You cannot wait much longer, so we’ll bring you in this Friday for a counseling session.”

“Okay. It’s a two day process, right?”

“Yes, if you decide to have the procedure done.”

“Okay.”

Decide what? I knew what I was going to do. I didn’t even have one doubt. I was not Ready to be a Mother. I was not making nearly enough Money to raise the child properly, and I had never been one in my life to ask for handouts from anyone—family and government agencies included. And I Definitely was not going to ask Him.

So a week later, I found out I was five weeks pregnant. The people at the clinic were wonderful. The told me everything I needed to know and made sure I knew all my options. I really cannot recall much though…looking back, I don’t remember feeling any regret or remorse. Nothing. I just wanted that part of him out of me. More than anything. And I wanted to live my life for me until I was ready to do otherwise—and I still do.

So, am I selfish? Yes. Yes I am. But I have zero regrets about my decision and no one could ever make me feel different.

I eventually told him. He told me I made the right decision as well. He told me he would have not wanted to bring a child into our both equally messed up lives. People call what I did wrong? I call it responsibility.

To this day, every time I see someone trying to take away a woman’s right to choose, I want to ask him (and trust me, in MOST cases, it’s a him)—“What about me? Do you want to ask me, someone who has been there, how I feel? Do you want to walk in my shoes? Why don’t you ask me how I feel?”

No one does. Because no one wants to know that really, it’s okay to have one, and women get through it.

intercessorsforchoice@gmail.com